A Historic Address From the Supreme Commander, Admiral Finbar, First Sea Lord*
*On the eve of the impending civil war with the CR Northern Territories 2-09
One score and seven years ago, our founding fathers established the Conch Republic in response to the actions of the misguided zealots and bureaucrats who placed the border patrol road block at Florida City, as if that place were an international border. They declared a symbolic secession at great peril to themselves, not knowing what retaliation might come down upon them.
On the day of the secession, the schooner Western Union symbolically attacked a United States Coast Guard Cutter with water balloons, Conch Fritters and stale Cuban bread. This demonstrated to the USA and the rest of the world that we were willing and able to stand up for justice and freedom, which are, after all, very real American values.
Is the Conch Republic a real nation or a silly notion?
Real, yes...the Conch Republic is a sovereign state of mind.
Silly, hell no!
True, our weapons are harmless….they cannot hurt anyone, and this shows that our most important and most effective weapon is humor. It simply made the actions of the US government look silly. The road block quietly disappeared, and the rest, as they say, is history.
Now, these many years later, our great nation stands at the brink of civil war. A small group of business people in Key Largo claims to represent the Northern Territories, and thus a bitter dispute is brewing between the North and the South.
The North has threatened secession and the unity of the Republic is at stake.
I am not a politician or a diplomat, I am merely a military officer and my only concern here is to defend, protect and preserve the honor, territory and unity of the Conch Republic.
We know that the best course is to fight folly with folly. In keeping with the spirit of our Nation, the motto of our military forces is “A Farce to be Reckoned With.”
We are fully prepared to go to war if that is what is necessary to preserve our unity. If we must go to war, and if our battles are fought with the same harmless weapons, along with humor and goodwill, and with the same spirit as the battle that marked the birth of our nation, then there can be victory with honor for all sides.
Let it never be said that our founding fathers’ intrepid deeds were in vain.
Long live the Conch Republic! Long live the United States of America!
Admiral Finbar Gittelman
First Sea Lord and Commanding Officer of Conch Republic Military Forces